


The Night Professor Moriarty Came Home Late

by HighlandYorkie



Category: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes (Downey films)
Genre: Alcohol, Delusions, Drug Use, Gen, feeding of pigeons, tripping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-18
Updated: 2012-07-18
Packaged: 2017-11-10 06:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighlandYorkie/pseuds/HighlandYorkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colonel Moran gets a surprise when the professor returns home later than he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Night Professor Moriarty Came Home Late

It was the slightly off key singing of some vague Italian opera that Colonel Moran couldn't quite make out that told him that Professor Moriarty had finally returned home from his visit to intimidate Langdale Pike.  
  
A visit the colonel would have rather undertaken himself for various reasons but the professor insisted that he and only he could solve this latest problem. Mental images of the Police fishing out Pike's body of the river had haunted Moran for most of the evening and when the grandfather clock in the hall had struck midnight, he had began to worry, what if Moriarty had done what he had threatened to and had been caught or worse still forced to flee.  
  
But all that mattered not now and much like a very angry wife, Moran stood arms folded and waited for Moriarty to enter the parlour.  
  
A hushed and decidedly one sided conversation filtered through the door and at first it confused Colonel Moran who was then struck with the realisation that Moriarty might have brought someone back with him.  
  
He looked around the room in a panic for somewhere to hide just in case Moriarty had brought back some cheap tart but then he remembered where he was and sighed with relief. No common prostitute would dare to enter Conduit Street without a direct invite from Mrs T, least she find herself dumped bare-arsed outside the local branch of the Women's Institute or other such organisation.  
  
It took whoever it was outside the room three attempts before they managed work out how to open the parlour door. Moran tried to look as nonchalant as he could but the faffing about meant his temper was slowly rising and then Professor Moriarty finally walked in.  
  
Or should that be when the professor dragged himself into the room in a most peculiar way.  
  
It was as if his legs either had decided to ignore that great brain and want to venture off on their own or someone had pinned his right leg to the ground and he would take a half step, then drag the right all the while trying to maintain his balance, which shouldn't have been a problem but with how his body was bending and waving about. You would have thought that the poor man was suffering from a localised gale force wind.  
  
Moran's mind whirled and he took a half step forward in order to check on the professor fearing that the man had either been struck by some sudden malady or worse still had been attacked.  
  
Suddenly Moriarty stopped and peered at the colonel before breaking into a ridiculously wide and very toothsome grin  
  
“Hello there..whathisname, the tigerchappy, my bestest ever friend in the whooole world”  
  
Of all the things that had gone through Moran's mind, the professor being blind drunk was not one of them.  
  
“Where have you been?” Moran asked, trying to look as angry as possible while his mind made note to remember the slightest thing, so that on those dark and miserable nights he could at least gain some enjoyment from whatever was about to commence.  
  
“Been fishing” Moriarty spluttered out as he mimicked the action of a man casting a line and reeling in a fish.  
  
Inwardly Moran tried his best not to chuckle and maintain the outward appearance of mild displeasure.  
  
“Did you see Pike?” he finally asked as Moriarty fumbled about with his jacket pocket.  
  
“That I did” Moriarty slurred “He's a very nice ge-genta-gentleman and a” he paused to belch rather loudly a strangely satisfied look upon his face.  
  
Colonel Moran however frowned slightly as he caught a faint whiff of whatever the professor had been drinking.  
  
“A very nice chap and all round good sort...reminds me of a young man I usedtoknow” he gestured wildly “That youngfellow who livesin that great bighouse all on hislonesome”  
  
Moran pinched his nose as he tried his best to follow what Moriarty was saying.  
  
“And what did Pike say to you?”  
  
“He said, lets have a drinky poo..so we did” Moriarty hiccuped a few times before continuing “I've bearly touched a drop, .you should see him Moran, he is arseholed”  
  
At that comment Moran closed his eyes and chuckled slightly  
 _  
“Yep, knowing him he probably is”_ he thought to himself.  
  
Suddenly gravity and whatever else was in control of the professors body sent him scurrying off to one side at such a speed that he crashed into the sofa with an thud  
  
“Moran quickly come here!” the professor called out.  
  
Walking over dreading the worst, Moran looked at Professor James Moriarty who was now staring intently at the embroidered upholstery fabric that covered the sofa  
  
“Look” he gestured and Moran's gaze followed to where he was pointing wildly  
  
“There's green and yellow flowers” Moriarty giggled.  
  
Silently Colonel Sebastian Moran cursed Langdale Pike  
  
“Ohhhh and pretty little birdies...I like birds you know”  
  
Moran said nothing just smiled and nodded.  
  
“Especially those little fatonesthat I feed in the park...the whatyoucallem's”  
  
Suddenly Moriarty closed the gap between the two of them and breathed hard on Moran, causing Moran to gip slightly. Fearing for his own safety if the professor breathed on him for too long Colonel Moran gently pushed Moriarty away and asked again  
  
“So it's all sorted then?”  
  
He never got a real answer for Professor Moriarty seated himself on the arm of the sofa and nodded as he started to feed pigeons that weren't there, making cooing noises as he did so.  
  
 _“I'm going to kill Peter for this”_ Moran thought to himself, “Moriarty is more than drunk, he's out of his fucking tree on something”  
  
“That one” Moriarty said as he pointed at a space “Is little Sebby, he's your pigeon twin”  
  
Moran groaned then shook his head.  
  
 _“At least there won't be bird crap all over the carpet like the last time, Mrs T made my life hell over that incident”_  
  
“Come and feed him” Moriarty said as he offered a handful of nothing to Moran  
  
“You want me to do what?”  
  
“Feed Sebby, he's such a hungry fellow”  
  
Shrugging Colonel Moran stepped forward, as murderous thoughts ran through his mind.  
  
“Lord Peter, I'm gonna make you beg for mercy for this..you fucking wanker”  
  
“Sebby...you called a fucking bird Sebby and then said it was after me” Moran felt his temper reach breaking point but the look of twisted innocence upon Professor Moriarty's face stopped him and he forced a smile.  
  
“You know I don't like Sebby...Sebastian maybe just not Sebby OK”  
  
Professor Moriarty looked downcast and more than a little heartbroken, sighing Moran bent forward and put out his hand  
  
“Hand over the bleeding feed then...don't want the flying rat to starve do we”  
  
The Professor looked up and smiled as he handed Moran a handful of whatever he had been offering to the bird that only he could see.  
  
Moving so he was stood next to the professor, Moran froze as the most blood-curdling yell came from Moriarty's lips  
  
“You bloody idiot...you damned fool” he cried out “You've stood on George”  
  
Suddenly Professor Moriarty struck out at Moran's knee making it buckle and sending Moran crashing to the floor.  
  
“You did that on purpose...all because you don't like my pigeons” Moriarty spluttered, as genuine tears filled his eyes.  
  
“I swear I didn't...I never saw the bloody thing”  
  
Moran watched on in silence not sure what to do as Moriarty went through the motions of carefully picking up and gently holding what to him was a gravely injured bird.  
  
Then without warning Moriarty thrust out his hands and looked at Moran as if his world had just crumbled around him.  
  
“Deal with him..please”  
  
“Wha?” came Moran's rather feeble reply as he wished that he was at least drunk then he made a mental note that Lord Peter, Langdale Pike or anything else he wanted to call himself owed him..and he owed him big.  
  
“Put him out of his misery....poor Georgie is hurting” the professor pleaded.  
  
“Don't be stupid” Moran snapped “There's nothing in your hand”  
  
“Pleeassssse”  
  
Instinctively the colonel drew his gun only to have Moriarty swat it away.  
  
“Don't be so heartless, you'll scare the others” he mumbled.  
  
Shrugging Colonel Moran offered his cupped hands and Moriarty made as if he was placing the injured George in them.  
  
“I'll comfort the others while you do the dastardly deed”  
  
Before Moran could say anything else, Moriarty was laid on his side, making the strangest of noises as he stroked and fed whatever his brain was telling him was there.  
  
Thoughts of just putting a bullet through Langdale Pike's head entered Moran's mind and were instantly dismissed. Sure what he had done was so very wrong if understandable considering all that the professor had done to his alter ego and yet Moriarty wasn't really hurt. Though he would no doubt have the hangover from hell in the morning and Moran still to question him about the whereabouts of his overcoat and hat not to mention his left shoe and sock.  
  
Turning his back, he took a glance over to the professor and for a brief moment their eyes met and Moriarty nodded rather sadly then turned away and buried his face in the rug.  
  
Colonel Moran had killed a variety of things in his life but never before had he put a delusion out of its misery and mimicking the gesture of ringing the neck of the bird, he sighed and called out and turned back to face Professor Moriarty with a hand outstretched  
  
“All done”  
  
Moriarty sat up and glared at him in horror  
  
“You fiend, you damned uncaring monster..you absolute fiend Sebastian”  
  
“What are you on about?”  
  
“You just showing the other birds the corpse of George like that...it will take ages for me to calm them done now...just listen to them”  
  
Moran looked down at his empty hand and went to say something but thought better of it.  
  
“I'm sorry”  
  
The professor waved his hand as he whispered “Could you bury him”  
  
“Professor its 3am in the bleeding morning”  
  
“So, we can't have his corpse laying around upsetting the others and myself now can we”  
  
Deciding that the sooner he got this fiasco over with the better.  
  
Picking up the coal shovel from the fireplace he quickly headed downstairs and out into the small private walled garden at the rear of the property, he looked around for a suitable spot where he could inter the deceased pigeon. He found a suitable spot and started to dig a small hole despite the knowledge that he was taking his life and other far more precious things in hand (not literally of course) should Mrs T find out that someone was mucking about in her pride and joy.  
  
He had dug the tiny grave when he let out a loud groan.  
  
“I'm as fucking crazy as he is”  
  
As it dawned on him just what he was doing and that he just dug a grave for something that didn't actually exist.. Quickly filling it in, he headed back up the stairs to the parlour he shared with the professor and stood motionless in the room and turned around.  
  
Professor Moriarty was gone.  
  
“Oh bugger”  
  
Dashing out of the room he started to search the other rooms that they shared, all to no avail for there was no sight nor sound of the professor.  
  
There was nothing for it and he started the long and slow process of looking for the professor in the girls rooms, an action that caused various objects and under garments to be thrown at him. A few times he had to promise to return to make up for waking them but once again there the professor was nowhere to be found.  
  
Heading below stairs, he quickly searched the kitchen and the maze of rooms beyond, the colonel was heading for what was known as the dungeon when he turned a corner and walked straight into the rather full and voluptuous figure of a tired looking Mrs T.  
  
“Have you seen him?” he asked hurriedly.  
  
The landlady towered over him in silence then replied in a slightly bemused way  
  
“Why do I have a rather inebriated Professor James Moriarty in my bedroom?”  
  
“You do?” Moran asked as he hid the coal shovel from her view.  
  
“Not that I mind...I've always had a soft spot for James but he seems rather odd for some reason”  
  
“Ah” was all Moran could say, after all how on earth could he begin to explain what had happened so far that night.  
  
They walked in silence to Mrs T's private boudoir, the rest of the house having decided that grabbing a few hours precious sleep before another long day of supplying pleasure to the sexually frustrated males of London was far more important than seeing what that Colonel had wanted.  
  
Moran opened the door and they both stood on the threshold and just looked on in amazement and in Moran's case mild amusement.  
  
There, fast asleep totally naked was Professor James Moriarty, mathematical genius and criminal mastermind.  
  
“Sebastian, why has James Moriarty made a nest out of my eiderdowns?” Mrs T finally gathered the courage to ask  
  
“It's for him and the pigeons” Moran answered her truthfully, doing his best not to crack up while wondering if Calee, Jacqueline, Laura, Lisa or Jamie would still be awake and welcoming after all this time.  
  
 _“Must not forget to break both Langdale's legs”_ he noted mentally  
  
“Pigeons?”  
  
“Best not to ask”  
  
“Oh” Mrs T mumbled and shrugged, looking a little lost and weary.  
  
“Want to bunk in my quarters Maude?” Moran found himself offering.  
  
Mrs T took one long lingering look at the young colonel and licked her lips then smirked before grabbing him by the arm and heading to his room. While he was being dragged off to whatever fate had in store for him, Colonel Moran couldn't help but wonder if he would have been safer curled up alongside the professor and his invisible pigeons  
  
As the door to his room shut behind the hungry looking landlady, Moran for a moment could have sworn he heard the sound of pigeons cooing peacefully in the distance.


End file.
